A NOTE FROM ESTHER

TO: ALL CAST MEMBERS AND CREW

Ratbags:

I am not going to say this again.  You are all mentally diseased.  Next time one of you backassed troglodytes tips, punches, kicks, or sodomizes the goddam vending machines just because you can’t be bothered to find a frickin’ nickel and just HAVE to have that last stale Clark bar, I am not going to pay to have it fixed again.  I got enough shit on my scarred and crippled back without having to deal with Fred’s incessant carping about having to spend more than five dollars on an amenity like sustenance.  I am not going to go over this again with you ingrates.

And, while I’m at it, I know you reprobates enjoy the libation, but try to keep it to weekends.  One more morning of you slackjawed malcontents staggering in two hours late for a goddam costume fitting, and I’m having my nephew Stan come in here with one of his lovingly restored antique Winchester rifles -- which have been restored to working order, might I add -- and plug a hole square in your mealymouthed Method Actor Forehead, you sniveling punks.  And try not to get fucked up before 5 PM every now and then (yeah, I’m talking to you, Pie-face).

And, Magnolia:  I am 65 years old.  I have not much longer to live.  I have few joys in my life.  I live under pressure that would kill a racehorse.  I am going to smoke in the frigging studio.  I don’t care about your "lung condition", if you do that fake cough shit around me one more time, I’m gonna belt you one, you hosebag.

Die, hooligans.

Esther.

ESTHER McCRACKEN has stage managed every episode of Kookamonga Falls since its premiere.  She lives in New York City with her cats, Flopsy, Kookoo, Muffin, Stormy, Jim Jim, Mipsy, Stinker, Whiskey, Mr. Hoppy, and Norm.

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