Having been spotted and captured by the women of a strange, prehistoric planet, Captain Buck Fuster and his male comrades have been sold into slavery at a public auction, while their female engineer, Randy, is proclaimed as "She Who Was Promised by Those Who Promise Things and Provide Fruit and Fiber Goodness". Buck is sold to Kara Poorthought, political activist, and the two fall deeply in love. Meanwhile, Tara-Ra-Bum-Di-Yea, formerly personal assistant to the Queen, now personal assistant to Randy, discovers a terrible plot to destroy the idyllic world in which these otherworldly women live -- which turns out to be a prehistoric, matriarchal Earth! (We can't follow this, either.) Randy's new girlfriend, Mira-Ka, then reveals the secret of this society -- that the God they worship is actually a mortal man -- the only man in existence at this time! Armed with this knowledge, the daring group converge on the shrine to Kon-Tiki-Ra, located deep within the steaming jungle...
CLEARING OUTSIDE KON-TIKI-RA'S HUT. ENTER BUCK, TARA, RANDY, MIRA, AND KARA, black trenchcoats, black hats, black sunglasses, humming the theme to "Mission: Impossible". They sneak around a moment, glance about nervously, knock into each other clumsily. Turn. Form a straight line facing upstage. They gaze in silence for a long moment, at the stern, stone face of Kon-Tiki-Ra, or rather, his statue.
RANDY. I still say it looks like Willem Dafoe.
BUCK. No. It looks more like Christopher Walken.
RANDY. Willem Dafoe. Maybe Everett McGill.
BUCK. Wasn't he the bad guy in "The Mask"?
RANDY. No, you're thinking of Peter Green.
BUCK. Oh. No, wait, wasn't it Daniel Hugh Kelly?
RANDY. Brian Patrick Kelly.
BUCK. Brian Keith.
RANDY. Keith David.
BUCK. Avery Brooks.
RANDY. It looks nothing like Avery Brooks.
BUCK. Avery Brooks was the guy on "Spencer: For Hire", right?
RANDY. No, that was Keith David.
BUCK. Or are you thinking of Keith Carradine?
RANDY. Nah, it looks like nothing like Keith Carradine.
BUCK. No, no, of course not. But I'm saying. Keith Carradine.
RANDY. ... What about Keith Carradine?
BUCK. I'm saying.
RANDY. Oh. It looks a little like Luis Guzman.
BUCK. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
RANDY. Nah. Nah, definitely Willem Dafoe--
MIRA AND TARA. (rounding on them) Will you SHUT UP!!!
Moment.
RANDY. ... I still say Willem Dafoe.
BUCK. Definitely Everett McGill.
SUDDENLY, A CRASH OF THUNDER AND LIGHTNING! A deep, booming voice erupts from inside the hut, terrifying Buck, Kara, and Randy, who cower in fright. Mira and Tara exchange a look.
KON-TIKI-RA. WHO DARES! WHO DARES DEFILE THE TEMPLE OF THE GREAT GOD KON-TIKI-RA!!
BUCK. oh sweet jesus
KON-TIKI-RA. FOUL MORTALS! FOUL FOOLISH MORTALS! BEGONE THOU ACCUSED SCUM! HOW DARE THY BEGAT ...THOU THEE ... uh thee thou thou
TARA. Fuck this, I'm going in.
BUCK, RANDY, KARA. (ad lib) no don't do it jesus no aiiieee arrggg
Tara strides angrily toward the statue, as the smoke and thunder grows in intensity.
KON-TIKI-RA. STAND BACK!! STAND BACK FOOLISH MORTAL!! YOU CANNOT WITHSTAND THE AWESOME POWER...
Tara grabs the statue, hurls it aside like the cheap papier mache doohickey that it is, to reveal BUSTER NAYLOR, dressed in smoking jacket, straw hat, shorts, and hawaiian shirt, shouting into a duct taped Radio Shack microphone and an ancient Fender amp with Bay City Rollers stickers stuck to the side of it, and a martini glass with a broken little umbrella sitting forlornly atop it. Slowly, realizing he has been caught out, Buster slowly turns, stammering. Sees the five standing there. Begins waving his arms wildly, trying to spook them.
KON-TIKI-RA. Pay no attention to the man behind Willem Dafoe! Pay no attention to the man behind Willem Dafoe!
Suddenly, Buck stiffens, a look of rage and recognition in his eye. Buster notices this, freezes, begins to back away slowly.
BUCK. YOU!!!
BUSTER. Oh. ..... hello.
BUCK. YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With the strength of the damned, Buck leaps through the air, grabs at Buster's throat and begins to hurl him around the room like a rag doll. Randy and Mira leap forward to pull the two apart, and Buster scurries into the corner like a rat.
RANDY. What the hell is all this about?
BUCK. This... person... is Captain Buster Naylor.
RANDY. Buster Naylor! THE Buster Naylor!
BUCK. This... person... made my life a living hell at the Space Academy!
RANDY. The supreme supremo! The captain of all the important missions! Hero to millions until that fateful day when he disappeared while on a mission in time to explore the origins of man... His signal was lost shortly after takeoff. Why, Captain, we thought you were dead!
BUSTER. No, not dead. Just stranded. See, the men of this time have been kept largely as pets and slaves, good only for procreation, recreation, and housework. I am a stud planted to breed with the women of this ancient, prehistoric society.
BUCK. You lucky son of a bitch!
BUSTER. LUCKY??? YOU CALL THIS LUCKY??? I am trapped here, no way of returning to my own time, no escape from the constant bacchanalia! Sure, it was fun, for the first, oh, six months or so. Okay, the first eight months. But I am like a machine! All physical thrusting and grotesquerie! What do they know of my true feelings, alone in this well-appointed prison? The perennial bachelor... alone... alone... alone...
BUCK. God, how I hate you.
AMAZONS IN CHAINS (C) 1999/2000 FRANK CWIKLIK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYING, PERFORMANCE, OR TRANSMISSION OF THIS MATERIAL IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN WITHOUT PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF DANSE MACABRE THEATRICS, MICHELE SCHLOSSBERG, MANAGING DIRECTOR.
