Having been spotted and captured by the women of a strange, prehistoric planet, Captain Buck Fuster and his male comrades have been sold into slavery at a public auction, while their female engineer, Randy, is proclaimed as "She Who Was Promised by Those Who Promise Things and Provide Fruit and Fiber Goodness". Buck is purchased by Kara Poorthought, who is reluctantly aiding The Birkenstock Brigade, a militant activist feminist everythingist coalition who plan to brainwash Buck into joining their cause (why is never made quite certain, but it seemed like a good idea to them at the time). Buck and Kara, however, fall head over heels in love, which the Birkenstock girls are not yet privy to... yet...
KARA'S HOUSE. Darkness. Figures crouch in the shadows. Outside the door, the sound of whistling, footsteps. Then, the sound of a set of keys dropping.
BUCK. (offstage) Shit.
After a moment, sound of a key turning in a lock. Then, the door opens. ENTER BUCK, weighted down with shopping bags, and clutching a loose box of tampons.
BUCK. Haalooo!! Sweeetie! I picked up those woman things you wanted!
As he enters in the darkness, the figures slowly creep up behind him. He approaches a table, sets down the packages, turns on the table lamp. Turns.
BUCK. I hope you wanted the ones with wings, I seem to remember you saying something about--
THE BIRKENSTOCK GIRLS, MOIRA, OONA, AND LEENA, are crouched around him in battle positions, clutching sharp pointed sticks menacingly, with scowls on their faces. However, their hands are shaking, and they're doing a very poor job of hiding the fact that they are incompetent and terrified.
BUCK. ---wings. (Moment.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Just then, enter KARA, carrying a very 60's serving tray full of glasses of delicious ice cold beverages.
KARA. Of course I'm out of diet, so who wants---? (sees Buck surrounded) Oh boy.
BUCK. Sweetie, please tell these nice people not to kill me, okay?
LEENA. What's the password?
BUCK. Please don't stab me!
LEENA. No, that's NOT the password!
OONA. How do you know?
LEENA. Well, it's not.
MOIRA. You mean you don't know the password?
LEENA. Well... it never came up.
OONA. (spins, pointing her sharp pointed stick at Leena) An intruder!
BUCK. She only gave me the keys yesterday!
OONA. No! (pointing with her stick wildly in Leena's direction) No! Her!
MOIRA. She's not an intruder!
OONA. How do you know she's not a spy? She doesn't know the password!
MOIRA. Do you?
OONA. ... Ssssure.
MOIRA. Then what is it?
OONA. ... (rounds suddenly on Moira, pointing her sharp pointed stick in Moira's face. Leena, relieved, quickly follows suit) How do I know you're not a spy?
BUCK. Excuse me, but if this doesn't involve me, I'd really appreciate your putting down those sharp pointed sticks.
MOIRA, OONA, AND LEENA. (spinning on him, waving their sharp pointed sticks wildly) SHUT UP!
KARA. Hey, don't you tell him to shut up!
MOIRA. (spinning to point her stick at Kara, as do Oona and Leena) This does not involve you!
KARA. But he's my man!
OONA. I thought you didn't want to buy him!
LEENA. She lied!
MOIRA. She must be the spy!
KARA. Aw fer chrissakes...
MOIRA. We must have an emergency meeting! And, as you are not yet one of us...
KARA. Yet??
MOIRA. ... you must leave the room.
KARA. (in disbelief) It's my house!
BUCK. Excuse me, but those sticks--
LEENA, MOIRA, OONA, AND KARA. SHUT UP!
LEENA. You are man! You are not worthy of our attention!
BUCK. Those sticks are telling me otherwise!
MOIRA. Talk, man! Tell us of your friends and their plans to destroy our world!
BUCK. Plans to--? Christ, we're lucky we got off the ship without drowning! Skippy, he's no harm to you! And Johnson... well, Johnson's just a dick.
JOHNSON. (offstage) I AM NOT A DICK!
LEENA. What is this.. dick you speak of?
BUCK. (makes several futile attempts to physically demonstrate the concept of "dick". Shrugs, gives up, flummoxed.)
Moment.
MOIRA, OONA, LEENA. (rushing him with their sharp pointed sticks aimed to kill) KILL THE MANTHING!!!
Just then, Kara drops the tray and rushes forward, blocking Buck from harm.
KARA. No!!! Stay back! You cannot hurt him! He is now... now... one of us!
BUCK. (to audience) ??
KARA. Yes, that's it! He's one of us now, and, uh, he has offered to tell all he knows and to reveal to us the secrets of the world of men!
BUCK. Yes um -- (clears throat) -- yes, I see the errors of man's ways and come to, uh, ... come to help you destroy, the uh... the ... bad stuff.
Pause.
OONA. KILL THE MANTHING!!!!!!
AMAZONS IN CHAINS (C) 1999/2000 FRANK CWIKLIK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYING, PERFORMANCE, OR TRANSMISSION OF THIS MATERIAL IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN WITHOUT PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF DANSE MACABRE THEATRICS, MICHELE SCHLOSSBERG, MANAGING DIRECTOR.
