Having been spotted and captured by the women of a strange, prehistoric planet, Captain Buck Fuster and his male comrades have been sold into slavery at a public auction, while their female engineer, Randy, is proclaimed as "She Who Was Promised by Those Who Promise Things and Provide Fruit and Fiber Goodness". Kara Poorthought, political activist and flower child, is forced to purchase Buck by the girls of the Birkenstock Brigade, a fledgling political group dedicated to whatever cause happens to be lying around and doesn't involve any real thought process. Having brought Buck home, Kara is now at a loss as to exactly what to do with him. Buck, for his part, is grateful to be alive, but frightened and bewildered by this terrifying and alien new world, and extremely uncomfortable in his leather pants...
KARA'S HOUSE. BUCK, cowering in the corner. The sound of a whispered argument offstage. Suddenly, KARA is shoved onstage by a pair of hands belonging to an unseen someone. Buck jumps back in terror.
BUCK. (finally:) Nice night for it, huh?
KARA. Nice night for what?
BUCK. Things. Stuff. I don't know. Are you going to hurt me now?
KARA. Look, this really wasn't my idea. I think this is all insulting and appalling. You came in peace, yes? We should be studying your customs, speaking with you, learning your ways...
BUCK. I think it's a little late for that.
KARA. It's never too late!
She approaches, he lets out a pitiful yelp, scurries upstage like a rat. She steps back, looking offended and dismayed.
KARA. Oh, you poor dear. You're frightened of us, aren't you? Well, I can't say that I blame you. I hope you're not afraid of me. I won't hurt you.
She smiles warmly. It looks like exactly what it is -- an insincere leer. He shivers, fakes his own smile, then scurries downstage again.
KARA. You're concerned for your friends, aren't you?
BUCK. Well, for Skippy, yes. Skippy is a good lad. But... not too bright. I worry that he will be unable to defend himself in this strange, hostile land.
UPSTAGE, enter SKIPPY, pants undone, hoisting a bottle of booze, panties over his head.
SKIPPY. (singing) My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time...
OFFSTAGE, the cooing call of the two sisters, AGAR and TUFTS, who bought Skippy...
AGAR AND TUFTS. (offstage:) Skippy...!
Skippy giggles, grins, hurries offstage.
KARA. Yes, life can be cruel to the innocent, can it not? I hope he can withstand the horrors the night will surely bring him.
SKIPPY. (offstage:) WWWAAAAAAHOOOOO!!!!
BUCK. As for Dr. Johnson, well, I'm not so concerned about him, because he's such a dick.
JOHNSON. (offstage:) I am not a dick!
KARA. I see. Yeah. So. Uh huh. (uncomfortable pause. Then:) So... How do you like our planet so far?
BUCK. (slowly at first, then building in intensity to an explosively bitter crescendo:) Well. Let's see. The ocean was nice, our spaceship crashed and sank in that. And then we walked aimlessly through the woods for a while, that was interesting. And then we were in that clearing, where there was a half-naked lady and a giant sculpture of Willem Dafoe, but then we got punched unconscious, so that was bad. And then we got thrown into a dank, disease-ridden, dirt floored cell where we nearly froze to death and sang old work songs, and then we were sold like cattle to the highest bidder, so all in all, I'd have to say it's been a fine time for all involved, just FUCKING SWELL!
KARA. Oh. That's great. ... uhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHH
And then she bursts into tears, collapsing onto the sofa, head buried in the cushions. Buck, bewildered, tentatively steps towards her.
BUCK. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't ... ohhh.
Lights change, Buck steps downstage, addresses the audience:
BUCK. Gadzooks, whatever have I done? Oh, Buck, Buck, Buck, old chum. You have conquered many different women, with many different skin colors, on many different planets. Some have had six arms. Some have had two heads. Some have had two... Well, we won't think about that right now, because these pants are quite tight... but now... Now there is this delicate flower. And she weeps for you, Buck. She yearns for your sweaty manlove. You must treat this as you would any other conquest. You must, for her, be... a man.
He approaches the sofa, sits beside her... and bawls like a baby.
BUCK. Gosh... I didn't think you'd find me so... repulsive...
KARA. (looks up, confused) Repulsive? Why, I don't understand...
BUCK. Yes, you talk to me only to appease me... Were it not for your friends, you would have nothing to do with me... no one wanted me... no one ever wants me.... (bawls again)
KARA. Why, that's simply not true! I'm here right now, aren't I? When I could be with any of my friends, discussing poetry and music and architecture, but no! I am staying right here with you?
BUCK. (sniffs loudly) ... really?
KARA. Really.
BUCK. You think I'm attractive?
KARA. Stunning!
BUCK. You don't think I'm fat, do you? That's it, isn't it? You think I'm fat fatty fat!
KARA. Not at all! Why, you look as if you hadn't eaten a day in your life!
BUCK. ... Really?
KARA. Really.
Buck looks away, coquettishly. Slowly, Kara puts a hand on his knee. He blinks seductively, looks away again. Kara fakes a yawn, stretches, slowly puts her arm around Buck's shoulder. He leaps upward, all matronly shock and sighing, hand over his chest.
BUCK. You only want me for my body!
KARA. But you just asked me if I thought you were---
BUCK. You're all alike! You don't really want me for me!
KARA. But I do! Sit down, let's talk.
Skeptically, he returns to the couch. They sit beside each other. Like two teenagers, they shift slowly so that their legs are touching. Then grin widely, giggle. Kara places a hand on Buck's knee, gingerly.
KARA. We'll get to know each other. And talk. Just talk. All night...
LIGHTS OUT.
KARA. And then we'll fuck.
AMAZONS IN CHAINS (C) 1999/2000 FRANK CWIKLIK. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYING, PERFORMANCE, OR TRANSMISSION OF THIS MATERIAL IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN WITHOUT PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF DANSE MACABRE THEATRICS, MICHELE SCHLOSSBERG, MANAGING DIRECTOR.
